I'm just tired

I find it strange that people are so age hysterical. It seems odd to me when someone refers to my age and insinuates that my chronological designation defines every facet of my existence. I don't feel old. (Am I supposed to??) I just feel mighty responsible and tired most days. I give myself permission, on occasion, to take a nap. I cook homemade meals every day. I make desserts from scratch. I don't find age to be a determinant in my daily life. Reality would seem to indicate that for the VAST majority of individuals age isn't an indicator of maturation.. I do find that my values don't appear to be the shared values of the general public. That could be age related.. or it could be education related, gender related, culture related, etc. Again, I'm glad that I'm not sharing the morals of the majority. I find them lacking.

Of course there are some things that appear to be age related in my perspective. I don't care to be found attractive to the general male populace. It enters my mind on occasion since those deemed attractive tend to make more money; for no other reason than another's desire to copulate with them. The testosterone hyperactivity appears to engage some disdain switch in my makeup, which then activates the desire to verbally beat the immaturity out of said "man". I'm definitely at an age where the mindless march annoys me.

I love technology. True, I'm not utilizing my iPod to it's maximum capabilities, as is frequently pointed out to me by my now teenage daughter. But that's why it's my iPod.. I like gaming, love PS3 and have a blast with the Wii. I don't pay a bill unless it's online. Every question I need answered comes from an .edu, .org or .gov. - which helps me retain my sanity and doesn't involve public situations in libraries where I am bound to have violent thoughts concerning other people in my space. I despise Wal-Mart and the mindset of patrons it seems to cultivate. I wish I didn't have neighbors, or at least live a good mile or two from them. I don't believe in excuses or the need for them. Maybe I am old. Maybe I'm just tired of the BS and see no need to entertain it.

Lemme see if I've got this straight.. I go to school, get in debt to the tune of 80 g's to get an "elevated" degree that pays less than Chuck's B.S. and 10 years experience.. (no pun intended on the B.S. - sometimes it just works out so naturally!) So I go do this and work 40+ hours a week in a miserable job with an unmedicated bipolar boss. Leave said miserable job for an even lower paying job that isn't as miserable and only work 40 hours a week. Hmm, improvment. So I work my 40 hours a week, pick my daughter up everyday after school, drop off my soon to be step-mother, make dinner nightly, feed the cats and dog, take the dog out, buy the groceries, pay the bills, do the laundry, clean the house and I'm not entitled to 30 minutes of peace in the evening because it's HUGE news that Lebron is playing b-ball?? I'm a god-awful tyrant because I don't give a rat's ass? and because I further more ask repeatedly to not be inundated with play-by-play analysis, I'm completely out of touch with reality, a mean person, and this event is hugely important to everyone on the planet except me - because clearly I'm a maladjusted individual.. Further compounded by the statement that I just don't understand because I'm white. Wow. Now my ethnicity has the final say in my personality characteristics - likes and dislikes?

Gross generalizations aside, I don't care to partake in popular culture. I have never watched an episode of Jersey Shore and I'm perfectly satisfied with that status. I've never watched LOST. I've never watched Sex and the City.. and yet, amazingly enough I still function every day. It's possible that I'm the mal-adjusted one, but leave me to my mal-adjustment! Who am I harming?? If anything it leaves more popular culture for the rest of the lemmings.

Lost (1st draft)

I started with the rooms,
scanning methodically
slow, measured catalog
realizing the dismal dimensions
anew,
remembering when
these spaces
held promise,

Empty handed, I moved
to closets and dressers,
shifting, searching,
fingernails hitting wood
coming up with air
overflowing spaces,
snapshots of a life
so far removed
hands shield my eyes
the sunlight glares,

With only dust motes
I uncovered boxes
started sifting through pockets
removing rolled up lint
and crushed anti-acids
in faded foil,
the carpet fibers felt
a jungle
I was lost
despite my arduous search
I remained just out
of sight,
a second death
pre-mortem.

Vacation

My husband and teen daughter are sleeping the day away (11:38 am) while I've been up checking facebook and arranging my newest photos from Chincoteague island. I'm finding that "family" vacation isn't quite what it's cracked up to be. Not that I haven't enjoyed it and loved some of the experiences shared with my little family, because I have. But the relaxing factor hasn't really been present. Three distinct and individual personalities do not seem to have much hope of synchronized relaxation - especially when they have three distinct and varied agendas. My husband's agenda seems to be to do as little as possible. He will cheerfully do the driving and stop at EVERY last 7/11 in the area for "snacks" (aka junk food) and chances to win "prizes" on Farmville - which I regret ever introducing him to.. but his vacation focus seems to be food, sleep, and in his words "man needs". My daughter is more open to experiences, threw herself willingly into the ocean, but still has her eye on the favorite past time of almost every American teenager - shopping. I'm not against some shopping but hubby is not inclined while not on vacation, let alone while on vacation. This causes a fraction of friction. As for myself, yesterday's drive to Chincoteague was the best part for me thus far.

Chuck and I have been together for 21 years this past June. There is no reasonable summation of that time spent together. During those 21 years we have taken one vacation together, to Naggshead NC, roughly 13 yrs ago while I was 6 & 1/2 months pregnant with our daughter. In the intervening years it has been a struggle to live life. There were no vacation plans and definitely no vacation money. We have managed the odd weekend here or there as a family to Ligoner, Somerset, Ohiopyle, etc., but that has been the extent. My daughter and I took a week to Kentucky to see one of my dearest friends a few years ago, which was the highlight of our combined experiences. Our first flight in a plane together, first extended stay in a hotel together, first foray into a different state together, and we had the additional blessing of being guided around by my friend who knows the pulse of her city. I had begun, years ago, taking small weekender trips to connect with sister friends that I had met on the Ya Ya boards. These trips were liberating and restorative for me. But as a family, this is our first family vacation together. It was clear to me the importance this had for our daughter. Hearing the stories of her friends at school about family vacations she would come home and ask quite innocently why we didn't go anywhere. If nothing else this current vacation is satisfying on that level of answering that question for her.

We are, combined, quite a dynamic team/family. But we are not accustomed to compromise and travelling together has brought into focus some sharp angles, pointed elbows and crooked teeth. My vision of the happy travelling family is not in flames exactly, but there are singe marks and the trip is not yet over. I'm a human observer and so I observe my family... with mixed emotions. You can grow strong by never having the things you want/need. But you can also grow strong by the support that lifts you to a higher level for your flight into this world. I've come up the hard scrabble way. I'm tough like beef jerky, but my insides are a little too tender. Maybe I'm a soft shell crab, fried into a sandwich. Keep chewing and don't investigate when you get to some "interesting" flavors. I watch the strange evolving relationship between my husband and daughter with some inability to keep my mouth shut. Why do we live in a world that appears to be scrabbling, never having enough, when there is an abundance available, overflowing the brim? Perception makes fools or sages of us all. The journey isn't nearly over.

Along with these rambling thoughts there is the exploration of this new environment. Virginia beach with it's overpopulated, yet surprisingly calm and peaceful, tourist laden beachfront. Glaringly obvious was the deficient parenting skills; the overwhelming insecurity of parents bent into grotesque contortions trying to please their 3 and 5 year old children instead of teaching them, molding them, correcting their tantrums and expecting "better" behavior. I see such a lack of expectations and standards, not just in parenting, but in our American lifestyles and it sickens me. Far removed from disdain and disgust, this nauseous feeling in my gut springs from a sharp fear of where this burgeoning society is rapidly heading. We're picking up speed, losing control, and racing towards a chasm of unknown depths. On Chincoteague island, a place of indescribable stark beauty, there was an impression of tenacity in the landscape, the people and the houses. Chincoteague isn't English. Where are the people, who were they, in what language were so many burghs, towns and cities named? Maybe the locals know. There was an absence of placards for the tourist to learn from. There were also exceedingly rude people swarming the carnival to raise money for the Chincoteague fire department - you know, the whole reason for the pony swim? According to the website, over 40,000 "mainlanders" travel to this event, not to mention people from out of state, such as my family. In general I was just rolled in the wave of realization of how we have lost our manners.. and it doesn't become us. Small town feel, some generous locals extending welcome to the tourists whose summer trade will feed their families through the winter months, but overwhelmingly Americans with their sticky, grubby fingers grasping, coveting, wanting more to shove into the void of their lives - that great gaping maw that is infinite and insatiable. Not a pleasant realization to have while milling the crowds entranced by the beauty of feral horses and listening to surprisingly good country music from a stage upon which these locals give their all to keep their way of life. There is beauty amidst the revolting and that is what I appreciate most about this life.

I started out writing this irritated by my family's extended slumber on our "last" full day of vacation. Instead I was handed an unexpected gift of time to empty some of the overfull thoughts bloating my mind. I'm not an experienced vacationer. Maybe that contributes to my gratitude for unexpected things.

Communication

At any given time there are a dozen random thoughts circling in my mind. They used to be creative, fanciful, daydream spun thoughts. But most often now my thoughts are centered almost exclusively on what I'm doing, what I need to be doing/should be doing, must get done, will get done tomorrow, what I can schedule for next week, blah, blah, blah! An endless repetoire of chores dances through my mind - or rather marches militantly through my mind like little fiendish Nazis. Single minded in purpose and pursuit, this process leaves me with unabated anxiety. On the rare occasion that I purposefully turn my mind away from the endless list of that which needs to be done, my family jumps in and steers back to the god forsaken shore of - "what you need to do to help ME". Through this analysis I've realized that I have a harder time saying no than I should.. and furthermore feel I have to justify my rejection of proposed work shoveled in my direction. You'd think my house would be cleaner with this kind of weird and intense Protestant work ethic!

So how did I get on the kick of communication? Thinking of all the useless babble being blasted into cyberspace, the meaningless play by play tweets by twits, the updates on everything from dinner to underwear - this seems a sort of madness more than a flow of communication. Yet I post regularly on Facebook about whatever tickles my fancy - or more likely - pisses me off. The worldwide web has apparently opened the borders for instant gratification and endless validation, no matter how ridiculous your perspective/fetish/daily life, you can find a few hundred on the planet who are into what you're into.. On the surface that should be a good thing, and maybe this social experiment of human life will show just that. But I'm sardonically and alarmingly inclined to view this mass validation as a dangerous phenomenom.. the very thing that drew me to the web, had me posting daily and voraciously on a bulletin board with strangers around the world, built my self-efficacy - that connectedness may be the most volatile intangible imaginable. I've written two paragraphs and managed to communicate what exactly?? I think we're losing an insidious war.

So in light of these thoughts it seems strange and wonderously counterindicative, but I think I need to communicate more. I feel rusty and obsolete.

Same as it ever was..

I keep having this insane idea, that I'm going to change my life and somehow live closer to the ideal I've dreamt of all my life. More thought to follow. Just had to get that out before bed!

Didn't get any better!

My work day was actually not bad at all today - with the exception of a last minute change that required an hour drive to the new client's house.. that made it impossible for me to take my daughter to soccer practice. Instead my husband came home early and took her to practice. On my way home I get a text message from my husband - who is having (apparently) irreparable issues with our 12 year old daughter - all due to an argument over taking her soccer ball (and self) down onto the field, even though she wasn't practicing due to an injured knee.

After doing family therapy all day with others, the last thing I wanted to do was go home and do family therapy with my own family. However, that's exactly what I ended up doing... hour upon hour of unmet "needs" and "expectations" until now I'm just plain pissed off... and tired... very tired. My daughter and I both have to get up at 6 am. What a fruitless waste of time, conversation, and effort. I'm trying to remain positive. About the only real positive I think was that Alex got to say what she needed to say... for the most part I think Chuck did too. I'm too tired to worry about whether or not everything I wanted to say was said. It's clear that somethings need to change.. immediately.

Shoulda went back to bed...

I definitely should have went back to bed. Six a.m. came too early and lecturing my 12 year old came even earlier. Why does algebra have to be so stressful - AGAIN? I understand her distress, being the only kid in the class that didn't take pre-algebra last year, or get any tutoring on the subject, and then being summarily thrust into algebra without so much as a discussion with us - ya know, the parents of the child? But this is public school education at its finest... while your child in on their property, the school remains confused as to where their rights begin. This world races on towards infinite insanity. I keep dodging between the open mouthed, teeth bared horses of the merry-go-round, looking towards the openings, thinking about jumping off. But this morning we launched in a growling Avalanche while I raised my voice, lecturing on the "piss poor attitude" my daughter seems to have grown overnight. I can understand that she's upset about algebra and every thing attached to it - like not being in classes with her friends from the last three years - like suddenly being thrust into class with a majority of sniveling, snotty, melodramatic little queens and abusive little ding-a-lings, like missing out on tech class and the ultra cool robot they were building. I get it -- ALL! But there is a more important lesson here.. a teachable moment that she is refusing with such adamance I wonder at the energy. Life is often filled with shit, less than desirable moments, powerlessness, unfairness, etc. How she defines these moments, how she comes to view them and live through them, that is a priceless, priceless moment of decision. For now she appears to be angry, frustrated, and vehemently opposed to believing that her teacher insisting that she come early to school for tutoring was a good and generous thing. Again, I don't blame her for the despair, the disgust, the revulsion for algebra. I am living the proof of "not getting it" every day. But the undercurrents are wrong on every conceivable level.. and I don't like learning just how manipulative my daughter can be to get what she wants. What are we teaching our kids?? Be direct, ask for what you want, etc. But in the sidelines perhaps they are scribbling every time they ever witnessed us manipulate to get our needs and desires met.

Like most of the employed, I'm loathing the idea of going to work today. After yelling at my daughter as I flew to her school I don't much feel like doing anything "therapeutic" today.. at least not for others. Maybe I have no cause to be so surprised, disappointed and even hurt that my daughter was dragging her feet this morning, attempting (I believe) to be too late (again) to attend algebra tutoring this morning -- yesterday she was so late getting ready we were almost late for the first bell, let alone being too late for tutoring. Tuesday she missed soccer practice, due to falling down half a flight of steps in the school. Last night she began complaining about her knee hurting again. I'm given pause to wonder if she wants to quit soccer too.. like she seems to want to quit everything else. This is not the same child that announced she was going to try out for the high school play while in 3rd or 4th grade.. and actually got the part! This is not the same child that insisted on playing "midnight madness" basketball with her non-athletic friends every year - in a public display. Not the same child that asked for a bike and promptly and terrifyingly taught herself how to ride after years of not being able to get it. It's like someone has removed vital bits of her stuffing.. and of course I look into the mirror to find the cause of this change. Maybe if I were home more often.. maybe if I only worked part-time and was available more.. maybe I'm failing her and she's losing her confidence. This is juxtaposed by the knowledge that if I don't work full-time and pay off these bills, we will never be financially able to move out of this neighborhood. She will never have a larger house or feel comfortable to invite friends over. She has been to her "friends" homes and come home marveling at the size of their homes, the "things" they possess, and hesitantly inquired why we don't have the same. Perhaps if we didn't feel somewhat guilty for being poor we wouldn't have the reactions that we do..

Ah well.. all the musings of unanswered questions... time to shower and don the professional persona of "you can change your life", while I wallow internally in the confusion and uncertainty of my own.

New job

My friend texted me earlier today to tell me (unofficially) that I'd be receiving the call for the job as the board had approved me. I was excited and couldn't wait to go to lunch with Chuck and Alex, to celebrate, on our way to pick up my truck from the shop. The supervisor called while we were driving. There seemed to be some confusion surrounding my question about the county that I'd be working in - she told me the two counties and then asked if it would be a problem. I assured her that I didn't particularly care which county I'd be working in, I'd simply been asked by everyone that I told about the possible job - seemed funny that I'd never inquired afterall. At least I didn't think it would be strange to inquire where I'd be working. It was immediately clear that this subject must have been a point of contention in the past. In any case I start Thursday. Here's to hoping it's a good match. Obviously I can't say for certain since I haven't worked the job yet, but seems silly that any counselor would have an issue with particular counties. A case is a case that needs attention is a case. Until I reach a level of specialization, licensure, etc., what could make the difference between suffering group of people #1 and suffering group of people #2?

I have my truck back. $600 in repairs. The AC works - through the floor vents and the dashboard, NOT through the vents that actually blow on you... and the custom speakers that the previous owner of my truck had installed in the front? Yeah, they're currently disconnected because the mechanic couldn't figure out how to put them back together... About an hour ago I took Alex to get a milk shake. The interior light didn't come on when I opened the door.. apparently THAT no longer works either. Now, the mechanic knew that things weren't fixed, he told Chuck. Since the mechanic was at a different shop but same company that Chuck works for, Chuck's boss said that he'll pay for the repairs at a dealership. This will require an appointment and not having my truck for a week to three weeks.. during which time I'd be driving what exactly?? So basically I paid $600 for a job that will require another possible three weeks to be completed correctly.. Every so often THIS kind of incompetent stuff gets to me!

Tomorrow is my last day "off" before I begin working.. I guess I'll be using the day to prepare some lunches for Alex and get my clothes in order. I might even push the envelope and do something physical. My determination waned in the last two weeks as I allowed one thing after another to get in the way of my walking. I'm feeling down about letting my activity lapse into total inactivity. On top of all the "good" feelings, every other word out of my mouth is turning into an argument with Alex. Not exactly how I wanted to go off to work. But then again, since when does anything go the way I would wish? What would be the growth process in that....

iPod motivation

Seems unreal but yes, a tiny little sensor on my shoe and an expensive MP3 player capable of amazing technological feats - including tracking my workouts - appears to be almost completely responsible for my newfound motivation. I've never kept track of miles or calories, or had a way to do so. It really does amaze me that I have that kind of capability now AND the difference that it makes in my desire to get out there and go again!

So far, 4 walks, 13.11km, on track for my goal of 12 workouts in 4 weeks, and have burned 1142 calories out of my June goal of 2600. This is quite possibly the best start I've ever had for a "fitness" routine - with the exception of the gym that I joined with a slightly psychotic friend/c0-worker from my Eat n' Park days. This feels d0-able.. which makes all the difference in whether or not I'll be motivated enough to stick with it. Biggest motivator besides the awesome technology of Apple? My ankle has been holding up pretty well with the major increase in physical activity. Lord knows my mood has improved exponentially - as I knew it would. I'm just so afraid that something will derail me, but I've gotta get over that fear/anxiety ASAP.

Last but not least, I answered a friend's message and got some pertinent advice incidentally. I haven't seen or talked to this friend for more than 15 minutes since we graduated with our undergrad in Psychology. But he pointed out the very stupidly overlooked possibility of doing some rate and part-time work for now. That would actually be a fabulous idea for the summer - the ability to pay some seriously worrying bills AND still have a boatload of free time to enjoy all the joys of summer with Alex. I'm out the door tomorrow with resumes in hand to smile ever so sweetly and bombard the local mental health agencies! That is of course once I get my hair out of this god-awful scunchie I've been sporting for the last week.. I think I'm ready for an ultra short cut... just another reason to lose weight.. Super short hair won't be too flattering with my double chin and extinct cheekbones..

All in all, I'm proclaiming that life is life and I will remain good no matter what plops, slithers, flounders on or attempts to infest my path! My verbal diarrhea is just that... a necessary cleansing.

One year, 5 months

For a brief moment there my blog was translating what I typed into Hindi! Not necessarily a problem, except it was translating as I was typing. I, unfortunately, do not understand Hindi.

But back to the title of my post.. It has been one year and five months since I quit smoking. The longest cessation period prior to this was 3 months, and during those 3 months I was unbearable - basically because I really didn't want to stop smoking and I couldn't handle the anxiety. I can't say that I really wanted to stop smoking this time around either. But I realized that I couldn't afford the cost of gasoline in my monster truck and indulge in clove cigarettes at the same time. We hadn't yet been approved for the loan for the truck and it was incredibly iffy that we were going to be able to secure the financing. Still, if I wanted this truck a sacrifice had to be made. I prayed. Something I hadn't done in a long, long time. But I struck a deal with my deity. If we were approved for the loan for the truck, I would quit smoking. The loan went through. I wasn't ready to stop smoking. So I rationalized that my agreement with God REALLY said that I would stop smoking once I actually HAD the truck. Always a stupid, stupid idea to try to play lawyer with God. In any case, the truck was at the mechanic, getting the engine rebuilt. Call it what you want, but that damn truck didn't get finished until I put out my last cigarette and didn't buy a new pack. The very next day the truck came home.

Since I love my truck (despite the AC's sudden and untimely death this month) it seems a more than fair trade. Of course that's before I calculate that the evaporator coil for the AC only costs about $100, but will cost over $900 in labor to replace! Since I'm not currently employed this situation causes grave irritation. But I learned some significant and wild things about myself when I gave up cigarettes. I had never realized just how anxious I was.. or how smoking helped to mask that anxiety - while at the same time adding to it with the whole nicotine addiction, it's true - but it appeared to calm everything at the time! I'm unquestionably calmer now, after the quitting, cravings, frustration, anxiety meltdowns, and removal of all of those little nicotine receptor sites in my poor beleagured brain. But every once in a while I wish for the sweet aromatic smell of cloves and the harsh inhale into my lungs. I'm glad I quit, even though I have yet to make good on the promise to achieve an amazing level of fitness with my newly healed lungs leading the charge - well that was the plan anyway.. I've saved more money than I could calculate, hopefully have removed the carcinogens (sp?) that I was pumping in to mutate cells, and no longer smell like smoke and an East Indian convention. On the other hand I've come to realize in the last few days that I enjoyed smoking and I haven't found anything to replace that enjoyment and feeling of relaxation. At this point a cigarette would taste very much like licking an ashtray - not something I'd recommend. So what do I do with my realization, since I'm not going to start smoking again?

LONG time no see..

Seems strange to say the least, that it's taken me so long to return to this blog. But life has a way of introducing itself in its own terms. It's weird to read my last blog and shuttle back to over two years ago when I was struggling to finish my undergrad and frustrated with the insanity of school plays and administrators with moderate psychological disorders! What a trip.. I'm back because my daughter asked me to check out her blog :-O time if flying..

Today I took my comprehensive exam, which I thought I had overprepared for - laughingly ironic that it was not so.. Everyone that I knew personally walked out of that classroom with a sense of physical illness and failure. Most would have signed up immediately to take the comps again if that were being offered - even at $40 a pop. But despite the overwhelmingly nausea - which is a result of knowing there were several questions that I KNEW the answer to and yet somehow failed to make the connection until after I left the classroom - I'm going to attempt to put it out of my mind until the test results arrive in 2-3 weeks. Afterall, there really isn't anything I can do to alter the reality at the moment and I listened to Rosenthal drone on for over a month, which was a total of 18 CD's - everyday for over a month.. I've already had one bathroom visitation and a two hour nap, that's all I'm going to allow my nervous system to smack me for over this issue.

I think dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant and nothing but relaxation is the order of the night. Thank goodness my daughter is so kind, considerate and cool. She kept herself occupied and quiet while I napped and then made me coffee. What more could you ask for?

Chaotic Moments

I'm just coming to the conclusion that if it's not chaotic, it's not life.. my daughter takes nothing I say literally, UNLESS it's something I didn't mean literally.. that seems to be some weird childhood rule. I told her that if they wanted her hair black for the play that I would put in a temporary dye, but that since no one had mentioned the need for such to me, I wasn't going to do it and she didn't need her hair any darker. Well, lo and behold, tonight during their dress rehearsal they tried to spray some stuff in her hair (for the pictures) and she stood up to them and announced, "My mother said if my hair needs to be darker, she'll put the dye in my hair" and she wouldn't let them spray her hair! Now there's a part of me that is howling, glad she stood up for herself.. but there is also another part of me that is ripping out my own hair because she took something I said so literally! Too bad she doesn't take it literally when I say it's bedtime or time to clean up her room or do her homework, etc... Anyway, apparently the makeup people also have issue with how thick her hair is and the fact that I didn't put it up in a bun.. ya see my ESP radar has been out all week, so I didn't get the mind waves they were sending!!!...... I'm frustrated and sick of the weird arse vibe I'm getting from the people involved in this play.. I don't do "strange" for too long with out some kind of explanation! I am looking forward to finally seeing the finished product, but Thank GOD it'll be over after Friday.. I'm not cut out for this kind of drama and melodramatic BS.. definitely not a stage mom, that's for sure. Also feeling out of sorts for a bunch of un-named reasons. Just having a rough time getting through the daily.. Can't wait for spring break to get here. I need to sleep for at least two days solid.

Untitled

Perhaps I shall always be
so befuddled by the vagaries
space, time, perfect
mathematical equations,

adoring their rigid, precise lines
even while loathing
the isolation,
imposed by my mind,
unable to grasp the slippery concepts,
without patient
and repeated, repeated, repeated
instruction,
and even then,
a little off center...
too unwieldy,
gelatinous bulk quivering
on toe point,
precarious indeed, before
the high wire is added,

I live messily,
despite my teeth gnashing for order,
I move with moods
like the weather,
hurricane subsiding into benevolent rain,
always becoming what I feel,
shapeshifter, I am
often weary
with the energy
necessary to rearrange,
unconsciously...
puzzle pieces sorted
by the wind,
ignoring sunburnt shoulders,
parchment rasping beneath cotton,
to bask in the sun's kiss,
eyes closed before the holy
morning movements,
birdsong, tree sway,
wind ruffled leaves..

I am a different sort of chaos,
conflicted, drifting lazily
until aroused,
longing, always yearning
for stability,
while ever seeking
the wild and uncontrollable,
remaining a mystery
unto myself,
irritating, itching to spread
like poison ivy
on unsuspecting skin.

Maybe a controversial poem..

..but education tends to rip the blinders off..

~ America ~

We wrestle shadows, we
Change the world, we
Scream the loudest, we
Bleed from cuts, we
Made ourselves, we
So self-righteous, we
Have too much, we
Always want more, we
Techno wizards, we
Sell our children, we
Buy our bodies, we
Starve our neighbors, we
Kill nay-sayers, we
So powerful, we
Murder life, we
Crucify freedom, we
Will not stop.

switching houses so to speak

Welcome and glad ya made it! Had to switch blog spots because I'm about to cut AOL loose.. so we'll see how this one works out. Not much else to report at the moment. I'm going to be attempting to move my old posts here, so if I'm incommunicado, that's what I'm up to (besides stats abstracts and snooze-a-rific stuff)