Didn't get any better!

My work day was actually not bad at all today - with the exception of a last minute change that required an hour drive to the new client's house.. that made it impossible for me to take my daughter to soccer practice. Instead my husband came home early and took her to practice. On my way home I get a text message from my husband - who is having (apparently) irreparable issues with our 12 year old daughter - all due to an argument over taking her soccer ball (and self) down onto the field, even though she wasn't practicing due to an injured knee.

After doing family therapy all day with others, the last thing I wanted to do was go home and do family therapy with my own family. However, that's exactly what I ended up doing... hour upon hour of unmet "needs" and "expectations" until now I'm just plain pissed off... and tired... very tired. My daughter and I both have to get up at 6 am. What a fruitless waste of time, conversation, and effort. I'm trying to remain positive. About the only real positive I think was that Alex got to say what she needed to say... for the most part I think Chuck did too. I'm too tired to worry about whether or not everything I wanted to say was said. It's clear that somethings need to change.. immediately.

Shoulda went back to bed...

I definitely should have went back to bed. Six a.m. came too early and lecturing my 12 year old came even earlier. Why does algebra have to be so stressful - AGAIN? I understand her distress, being the only kid in the class that didn't take pre-algebra last year, or get any tutoring on the subject, and then being summarily thrust into algebra without so much as a discussion with us - ya know, the parents of the child? But this is public school education at its finest... while your child in on their property, the school remains confused as to where their rights begin. This world races on towards infinite insanity. I keep dodging between the open mouthed, teeth bared horses of the merry-go-round, looking towards the openings, thinking about jumping off. But this morning we launched in a growling Avalanche while I raised my voice, lecturing on the "piss poor attitude" my daughter seems to have grown overnight. I can understand that she's upset about algebra and every thing attached to it - like not being in classes with her friends from the last three years - like suddenly being thrust into class with a majority of sniveling, snotty, melodramatic little queens and abusive little ding-a-lings, like missing out on tech class and the ultra cool robot they were building. I get it -- ALL! But there is a more important lesson here.. a teachable moment that she is refusing with such adamance I wonder at the energy. Life is often filled with shit, less than desirable moments, powerlessness, unfairness, etc. How she defines these moments, how she comes to view them and live through them, that is a priceless, priceless moment of decision. For now she appears to be angry, frustrated, and vehemently opposed to believing that her teacher insisting that she come early to school for tutoring was a good and generous thing. Again, I don't blame her for the despair, the disgust, the revulsion for algebra. I am living the proof of "not getting it" every day. But the undercurrents are wrong on every conceivable level.. and I don't like learning just how manipulative my daughter can be to get what she wants. What are we teaching our kids?? Be direct, ask for what you want, etc. But in the sidelines perhaps they are scribbling every time they ever witnessed us manipulate to get our needs and desires met.

Like most of the employed, I'm loathing the idea of going to work today. After yelling at my daughter as I flew to her school I don't much feel like doing anything "therapeutic" today.. at least not for others. Maybe I have no cause to be so surprised, disappointed and even hurt that my daughter was dragging her feet this morning, attempting (I believe) to be too late (again) to attend algebra tutoring this morning -- yesterday she was so late getting ready we were almost late for the first bell, let alone being too late for tutoring. Tuesday she missed soccer practice, due to falling down half a flight of steps in the school. Last night she began complaining about her knee hurting again. I'm given pause to wonder if she wants to quit soccer too.. like she seems to want to quit everything else. This is not the same child that announced she was going to try out for the high school play while in 3rd or 4th grade.. and actually got the part! This is not the same child that insisted on playing "midnight madness" basketball with her non-athletic friends every year - in a public display. Not the same child that asked for a bike and promptly and terrifyingly taught herself how to ride after years of not being able to get it. It's like someone has removed vital bits of her stuffing.. and of course I look into the mirror to find the cause of this change. Maybe if I were home more often.. maybe if I only worked part-time and was available more.. maybe I'm failing her and she's losing her confidence. This is juxtaposed by the knowledge that if I don't work full-time and pay off these bills, we will never be financially able to move out of this neighborhood. She will never have a larger house or feel comfortable to invite friends over. She has been to her "friends" homes and come home marveling at the size of their homes, the "things" they possess, and hesitantly inquired why we don't have the same. Perhaps if we didn't feel somewhat guilty for being poor we wouldn't have the reactions that we do..

Ah well.. all the musings of unanswered questions... time to shower and don the professional persona of "you can change your life", while I wallow internally in the confusion and uncertainty of my own.